• Gabriel Featherstone

I Pretended To Be A Woman On Tinder To Harvest Jokes From Single Men In My Area

A few months prior to the 2018th birthday of Mr J. Christ, I found myself struggling to produce new material for my stand-up act. I was booked to perform a new hour long show at the then rapidly approaching Glasgow Comedy Festival and only had enough content to fill twenty minutes. So I did what any comedian would do in that situation: I downloaded several pictures of the same attractive female model from a stock photo website and used them to set-up a fake Tinder account under the name of Janet Pholse (pronounced 'false').

Janet Pholse's Tinder bio, which is also visible in the above video, read: "Hiya! I'm Janet :) I'm looking for a lovely man with a cute face and a great sense of humour.

Send me your funniest jokes/chat-up lines! I looooove sci-fi, walking around on beaches and having long conversations about random stuff with interesting people.

Goldfish owner preffered ;)

Swipe left if you think we're a good match!

Don't be a dick and don't send me any pictures of dicks." I meant to write "swipe right if you think we're a good match", but wrote "swipe left" instead by mistake.

I wanted to cast the widest possible net, so I swiped right on every man I saw. Within minutes Janet's inbox was bursting with perfectly serviceable jokes. Sadly, my records of this project are incomplete - my laptop broke last year and I lost a lot of files - so most of these gags have been swallowed by the dense fog of history. Here are the only two I can remember: "My father is a terrible magician. I've got two-half sisters." "My father died recently because nobody knew his blood type. Towards the end he kept telling us to be positive, but it was really difficult under the circumstances." Janet Pholse had two purposes: to harvest jokes from Tinder blokes and to be as weird as possible whenever she replied to their messages. The harvested jokes were not the content I was hoping to flesh out my underdeveloped comedy show with. Instead, I was hoping Janet's Joke Quest, combined with her quirky personality, would provoke interesting conversations that would be funny enough to talk about onstage. Here, for your reading pleasure, are the two Janet Pholse Tinder exchanges I ended up talking about in the show. To preserve the anonymity of these Janet Suitors, I will henceforth be refering to them as 'Boy A' and 'Boy B'.

Boy A

Here I responded to the question I thought Boy A was going to ask, rather than the question he actually asked.

The potassium tongue turned out to be a step too far and Boy A quietly unmatched me.

Boy B

Boy B's only profile picture was taken with a filter that made him look like he had little angel wings sprouting from his neck and a small halo hovering above his scalp.

"I like to do 24 hour comedy show" is a truly bloodcurdling threat.

I stopped messaging Boy B at this point becuase it didn't seem plausible that Janet would engage with him further. It's been almost three years since I deleted Janet's Tinder account, but that wasn't the end of Janet Pholse! Read about Janet's Romantic Anti-Lobster Campaign here!

Image courtesy of Tinder Pressroom