• Gabriel Featherstone

Janet Pholse Vs. The Unromantic Sainsbury's Lobster

Photo by Toa Heftiba. Image courtesy of Unsplash.

Janet Pholse (pronounced 'false') is a fictional character I created as part of a scheme to harvest jokes from men on Tinder. You can read more about that adventure here. In early 2020 I set up a Janet Pholse Facebook account to contact Sainsbury's and complain about their line of plush Valentine's Day lobster toys. I did this because I thought it might lead to an amusing exchange of messages that I could talk about onstage in my then upcoming Glasgow Comedy Festival Show, 'Toy Boy'. Janet's complaints were fielded by a customer service rep named Brandon, who very quickly became one of my favourite people.

Over the next two months Brandon sent me a number of messages and diagrams that I will treasure forever. Here, for your reading pleasure, is the complete and unedited record of Janet & Brandon's Lobster Conversation.

Brandon's picture might be the best thing anyone's ever made. Prepare yourself...

I was wrong before. This next picture is undeniably the best thing anyone's ever made.

At this point I went on holiday to Barcelona for a week with my then partner. I didn't respond to Brandon's fantastic diagram until I got back to Glasgow.

At this point I got distracted by preparations for the Glasgow Comedy Festival and forgot about Brandon for a few weeks. Sadly, the festival was cancelled soon after it started and shortly before the first lockdown was imposed. During the first week of lockdown, I sent Brandon this message.

Brandon, if you're reading this, you can contact me at gabbycfeatherstone@yahoo.co.uk. Lets make Sainsbury's great again. I hope you're safe and well.