• Gabriel Featherstone

UNSPOILERS – Godzilla Vs. Kong

Image courtesy of Markus Winkler and Unsplash

Is poverty, injury or a lack of interest preventing you from watching the amazing new film about monsters who disagree with each other? Have no fear! Here’s everything you need to know about Godzilla Vs. Kong to avoid embarrassment and the contempt of your peers! 1) The film was originally supposed to be a faithful adaptation of Pride & Prejudice, starring King Kong as Elizabeth Bennet and Godzilla as Mr. Darcy. This version was abandoned after director Adam Wingard discovered that neither of the film’s stars could read, speak or understand English. 2) Kong and Godzilla never actually fight in the film. Instead, they have an intense staring contest that lasts for eighty minutes and is conducted in total silence. Godzilla blinks first and storms off in a huff. 3) Many of the human characters are played by paper plates on sticks with faces drawn on them in crayon. Adam Wingard waves these paper plate people around in front of the camera himself and voices all of them. They all have exactly the same voice and most of the dialogue is just the phrase “I love to go to the toilet because I have real human bowels” repeated over and over again. 4) Sir Patrick Stewart’s performance as “Kong Pubic Louse #5” has already earned him several BAFTA nominations. His only line in the film is “Monkey scabs are my favourite food, both in this film and in real life." 5) Godzilla smashes The Pentagon to smithereens. This scene was filmed without permission and the United States Government were not informed of Warner Brothers’ plans to destroy The Pentagon for real. 6) MechaGodzilla turns out to be Scrappy-Doo in disguise. 7) Godzilla and Kong recreate the spaghetti scene from Lady & The Tramp, but with subway trains full of screaming people instead of spaghetti. 8) The film takes place in the Kramer Vs. Kramer cinematic universe, which is due to culminate in next year’s “Kramer Vs. Kramer Vs. King Kong Vs. Godzilla: Two Messy Divorces For The Price of One!!!” 9) The entire final hour of the film is just Adam Wingard weeping in a heap on the floor while Kong and Godzilla indifferently smoke and play poker in the background. Every so often, Wingard begs a beautiful oil painting of Jane Austen to forgive him for desecrating her work. At one point, the oil painting comes to life and says: “I’ll never forgive you, Adam Wingard, and I hope they beat the shit out of you in Hell.” The painting is voiced by Adam Wingard. 10) The film is dedicated to the fifty-seven crewmembers and twelve puppies who tragically drowned during the filming of the Godzilla diarrhoea sequence.

Quick Review: A huge improvement on Jane Austen's original novel, which looks like utter bullshit in comparison. Rating: ⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆