• Gabriel Featherstone

UNSPOILERS - The Snyder Cut

Image courtesy of Yulia Matvienko and Unsplash.

Too busy to watch the new four hour long version of 2017's Justice League? Have no fear! Here's everything you need to know to understand all the crazy conversations people are having right now. 1) The first two hours is just Batman doing crunches in a car park while muggers and drug dealers openly commit crimes in the background.

2) The Flash dies of food poisoning off-screen. The engraving on his tombstone reads "Barney Anal aka The Flush" because Batman thought that was his name.

3) Wonder Woman keeps looking directly into the camera and talking about "the great taste of Branston Pickle". Every time a character dies, Wonder Woman screams "that bastard wouldn't have died if they'd eaten a delicious jar of Branston Pickle for breakfast! Branston Pickle is available in stores!"

4) All of Aquaman's lines are just the phrase "my name is Jason Momoa and I hate the ocean" repeated over and over again. The other characters never acknowledge or question this.

5) Cyborg's plan to kill Steppenwolfe is to give him a Kinder egg and hope he chokes to death on the toy. This plan succeeds. Wonder Woman says: "Kinder eggs would be way safer if they were just full of Branston Pickle."

6) Superman is played by a different actor in every scene. The Snyder Cut Superman actors include Werner Herzog, Adam Sandler and Lee Evans.

7) Darkseid turns out to be Scrappy-Doo in disguise. 8) Halfway through having sex with Superman (who, in this scene, is played by David Lynch) Lois Lane reveals herself to actually be Martian Manhunter in disguise. Superman says: "this is exactly what I was hoping would happen. I, David Lynch, am very horny for Martian Manhunter. That is the secret meaning behind all of my films."

9) In a post-credit scene, Joaquin Phoenix's Joker gives Jared Leto's Joker a massive golden crown and says: "you are a better Joker than I will ever be. My soul belongs to you". Joaquin Phoenix uses his own hair to dry Jared Leto's perfumed feet, much like Mary Magdalen did for The Christ. 10) Snyder's first cut of the film was over nine hours long, but editors were able to shorten it to just over four hours by removing every scene where Snyder forgot to take the lens cap off the camera.

Quick Review: Zack Snyder's Justice League is a very good film about a team of friends who like to punch monsters until the monsters either die or go away. Rating: ⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆