The Fantastic Curriculum Vitae
of Mr. Bunny St. Claire
Personal Details
Name Bunny St. Claire
Address Flat 2/3, 57 Bradbury Street, Glasgow
Telephone Disconnected
Email hotboxofscrotum@yahoo.co.uk
Age Older than yesterday, younger than time
Nationality Scottish
“I’ve been to hell. You’ve only read about it.”
- Marquis De Sade
Education
Zoetrope College, 29 Gristle Street, Glasgow
Higher National Certificate in Battleships, Scrabble and Toss.
Valley Haven High School, 22-44 Rosefield Ave, Glasgow
Ghastly place. Miserable beyond belief.
None of my teachers were worth a damn, and they all hated me 'cause I was infinitely superior to them.
Mr. Creswell, the history teacher, he called me a “damnably foolish young stinker”, then walloped me with his heaviest slipper.
He’s Headmaster now.
I hope his balls go crazy and eat each other.
Work Experience and Associated Skills
Scareactor, Crazy Ralph’s Zombie Shootin’ Paintball Maze-O-Rama
My job was to be chained-up in a freezing cold shipping container, with scary paint all over my face, for seven hours a day, every day, with only a twelve-minute break for lunch. Lunch was always a pizza, which smelled like a farting corpse and tasted like a chemical disaster.
Idiots would barge impertinently into my container, to shoot me with their infernal paintball guns.
The paintballs stung like hot wasps, and gave me too many bruises to count. Sometimes, the customers would smash me in the face with their guns, or kick me in the eyes while I was writhing on the ground.
They used to call me “minimum-wage scum”, "poverty bastard" or "zombie twat".
Other Skills
Proficient with computer software: Microsoft Word, Microsoft Paint, Microsoft PowerPoint and Windows Movie Maker.
Personal qualities: Confident, capable of working without supervision, good interpersonal skills, good at working in a team or independently, good with people, vengeful, difficult to get rid of, better than everyone else, spontaneously violent, horrendously cantankerous, able to eat stupid quantities of cheese without becoming unwell.
Interests and Activities
Enthusiastic Amateur Taxidermist.
Owner/Maintainer of Scotland’s largest collection of scary porcelain dolls.
Urinating fastidiously on “No Trespassing” signs.
Invading other people’s gardens.
Swearing at ducks in the park.
Monologuing incessantly about The Devil.
Faecal Investigations.
Revenge.
Onanism.
The Films of Jan Švankmajer.
Playing the Oboe.
Breaking things that don’t belong to me.
Volleyball.
“Don't bend; don't water it down; don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.” - Franz Kafka
“Cannibals prefer those who have no spines.” – Stanislaw Lem
Referees
J.H. Christ, Human Incarnation of Our Lord God
Flat 1/2, 16 Leech Drive, Glasgow
Kurt Vonnegut, Dead Writer
Flat 2/2, 16 Leech Drive, Glasgow
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